Advent, Tuesday December 11: Amos 7.10-17

December 11, 2007 by djackson.

From: Amaziah, Royal Chaplain of Bethel Sanctuary [mailto:safesermons@yesman.com]
Sent: Sunday, December 09, 745 B.C. 9:53 AM
To: His Royal Highness Jeroboam II
Subject: Wolves in Shepherd’s Clothing

Your Majesty,
Some peasant preacher from Judah has been making trouble down here. He refuses to submit his sermons to the official committee for approval and insists on proclaiming that the nation faces destruction and that your royal person might actually die someday! I’ve checked with several federal prosecutors (those whom your majesty has wisely thought fit to leave in office) and they assure me that we can bring a charge of treason under the Patriot Act. However, since this upstart holds sway with the peasants (he has his own cable program) I feel that the PR fallout might be difficult to spin. I believe the situation warrants a personal touch. I should add that this sawdust trail pulpit-pounder comes from down south and has no formal education. Rumor has it he actually carries a union card! At any rate he is clearly no gentleman and hasn’t the least idea which is his dessert fork.

From: His Royal Majesty Jeroboam II [mailto:it’sgoodtobeking@highplace.com]
Sent: Sunday, December 09, 745 B.C. 10:00 AM
To: His Royal Highness Jeremboam II
Subject: re: Wolves in Shepherd’s Clothing

“Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?”

PS
What is “B.C.”?

From: Amaziah, Royal Chaplain of Bethel Sanctuary [mailto:safesermons@yesman.com]
Sent: Sunday, December 09, 745 B.C. 10:07 AM
To: Amos of Tekoa
Subject: Impolite Preaching

Amos,

In consultation with his royal majesty I have reached the conclusion that your sermons are simply not the sort of thing. I strongly suggest a change of venue. As I understand it these hellfire-and-damnation messages play well down in the Bible belt and I believe you would find your audiences - and thus your offerings - larger if you confined yourself to your home region. I hope you won’t resent a piece of advice, but as a more seasoned professional than yourself I might direct your attention to Jonah, a promising young prophet who delivered a most stirring sermon during the last military campaign (2 Kings 14.25) but then ruined his prospects when he began ranting about God loving the Assyrians! Last I heard of him he was involved in something called a “pyramid marketing scheme” (an Egyptian invention, no doubt) which involved selling household cleaning products to all of his friends and neighbors. So you see, it doesn’t do to misgauge one’s market.

At any rate, we cannot have your kind of thing here. I mean to say, preaching against the king in the national chapel, well - the thing speaks for itself. So I regret to inform you that I am revoking your work visa and ordering you repatriated to Judah. If you are not out of the country within twenty-four hours you will be remanded to our special detention facility at Gilgal (or “Gitgo,” as we call it for short) for an indefinite period. Just a friendly hint - the Torah’s rather quaint views of justice are viewed in a more real-world light at Gitgo. I suggest you not travel by air since you have been placed on the no-fly list.

From: Amos [mailto:sheepdipper@yeshua.com]
Sent: Sunday, December 09, 745 B.C. 10:30 AM
To: Amaziah, Royal Chaplain of Bethel Sanctuary for the Time Being
Subject: If You See Me Gettin’ Smaller, I’m Leavin’

Reverend,

Don’t talk to me about money! I’m not like that stable of hacks you keep handy to back your latest party platform. I had a fulltime gig before this all started and believe me, herding sheep beats preaching to people any day: they generally have a higher IQ and at least they trust the shepherd. Maybe they don’t smell all that good (especially, I admit, after a rain storm) but it beats the stench of the rotting corpse of a sold-out religion. I’ll still have to supplement my income stocking vending machines with junk food on the side but, unlike you, I don’t have a megachurch mortgage to support or a political powerbase to think about.

Per your orders I’m headed for the border, but let me leave you something to think about: I’m not your problem; God’s justice is. Turning up the radio doesn’t mean the knocking in your engine goes away. Are you aware of the Assyrian policy of total warfare? They tend to deport anyone they don’t kill and kill anyone they don’t find useful. Children are liquidated to reduce the drain on their commissary. They generally let women live but only to service the troops.

I’m going, but God is coming. Get the king to fix that!

Posted in General | No Comments »